31. A Mother’s Regrets

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_02]: On the 9th of November 20th in 2001, a conversation held over instant messenger changed our lives forever.

[00:00:07] [SPEAKER_02]: Our 12-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer and his bedroom.

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_02]: My son Ryan texted.

[00:00:14] [SPEAKER_02]: Can I tell you something?

[00:00:16] [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I am listening.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I don't know how to say this really, but I am gay. I can't believe I just told you.

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_01]: After the introductory music, you will hear Linda Robertson tell more of the story of her son's coming out

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_01]: and the missteps and the tragedies that followed. But first, some excerpts of her initial reaction.

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_02]: I love you no matter what. Nothing will change that.

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_02]: But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option.

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_02]: And since you know what the Bible says and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is not an option.

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_02]: Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality.

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_02]: We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person.

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_02]: We had always told our kids that marriage was God's greatest earthly gift,

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_02]: but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_02]: Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay,

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_02]: I cringe as I realized how foolish I was.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Here, with only a couple of minor edits for clarity,

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_01]: is Linda Robertson's account of her son's coming out

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_01]: and the years of struggle that preceded his death.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Linda and Ryan's voices were AI-generated from Linda's blog.

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_02]: On the night of November 20th in 2001, a conversation held over instant messenger changed our lives forever.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_02]: Our 12-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_02]: Can I tell you something?

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I am listening.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I don't know how to say this really, but well, I can't keep lying to you about myself.

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I have been hiding this for too long and I sort of have to tell you now.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: By now, you probably have an idea of what I am about to say.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I am gay.

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't believe I just told you.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Are you joking?

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: No.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought you would understand because of Uncle Don.

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_02]: Of course I would, but what makes you think you are?

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I know I am.

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't like Hannah.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just a cover-up.

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_02]: But that doesn't make you gay.

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I know, but you don't understand.

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I am gay.

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_02]: Tell me more.

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just the way I am, and it's something I know.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_00]: You are not a lesbian, and you know that.

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: It is the same thing.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: What do you mean?

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just gay.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I am that.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_02]: I love you no matter what.

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I know.

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I am white, not black.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I know I am a boy, not a girl.

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: But I am attracted to boys, not girls.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: You know that about yourself, and I know this.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_02]: What about what God thinks about acting on these desires?

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I know.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: And I am very confused about that right now.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for telling me.

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_02]: I love you more for being honest.

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I know.

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_02]: We were completely shocked.

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_02]: Not that we didn't know and love gay people.

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_02]: My only brother had come up to us several years before, and we adored him.

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_02]: But Ryan, he was on a freight of anything, tough as nails, and all boy.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_02]: We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us was fear.

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_02]: It kept us awake at night, and sadly influenced all of our reactions over the next six years.

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_02]: We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible, the word of God should say.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_02]: We love you.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_02]: We will always love you.

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_02]: And this is hard.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_02]: Really hard.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_02]: But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_02]: We love you.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_02]: We couldn't love you more.

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_02]: But there are other men who have faced the same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires.

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_02]: We'll get you their books.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_02]: You can listen to their testimonies, and we will trust God with this.

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_02]: We love you.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_02]: We are so glad you are our son.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_02]: But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_02]: The feelings you've had for other guys don't make you gay.

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_02]: So please don't tell anyone that you're gay.

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_02]: You don't know who you are yet.

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_02]: Your identity is not that you're gay.

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_02]: It is that you are a child of God.

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_02]: We love you.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_02]: Nothing will change that.

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_02]: But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option.

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_02]: You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus no matter what.

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_02]: And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is not an option.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_02]: We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we, and God, were asking for.

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_02]: And the sacrifice we knew would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_02]: Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_02]: He desired to please God above all else.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_02]: So for the first six years he tried to choose Jesus.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_02]: Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls.

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_02]: He memorized scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly, and went to all the youth group events and Bible studies.

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_02]: He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers.

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_02]: He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from, and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_02]: He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Robin eye, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with straight guys, just like the reparative therapy experts advised.

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_02]: But nothing changed.

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_02]: God didn't answer Ryan's prayers or ours.

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_02]: Though we were all believing with faith that the God of the universe, the God for whom nothing is impossible, could easily make Ryan straight.

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_02]: But he did not.

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_02]: Though our hearts may have been good, we truly thought what we were doing was loving.

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_02]: We did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what he believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality.

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_02]: We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly own their own faith.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_02]: But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he'd make the wrong choice.

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_02]: Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_02]: We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_02]: Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_02]: As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love.

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_02]: Hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents enjoy.

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_02]: We had always told our kids that marriage was God's greatest earthly gift, but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_02]: And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan depressed suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice.

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_02]: He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for the peace he desperately wanted another way.

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_02]: And the way he chose to try first was drugs.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_02]: We had unintentionally taught Ryan to hate his sexuality.

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_02]: And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself.

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_02]: So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_02]: Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend, a possibility that had once terrified me, seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan's death.

[00:08:15] [SPEAKER_02]: Especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity and his mounting anger at God.

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_02]: Ryan started with weed and beer, but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin.

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_02]: He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction.

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_02]: Shortly after, we lost contact with him.

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_02]: For the next year and a half we didn't know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive.

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_02]: And during that horrific time, God had our full attention.

[00:08:43] [SPEAKER_02]: We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight.

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_02]: We started praying for him to know that God loved him.

[00:08:50] [SPEAKER_02]: We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend.

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_02]: We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend.

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_02]: We even stopped praying for him to come home to us.

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_02]: We only wanted him to come home to God.

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_02]: By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective.

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_02]: Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this.

[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you think you can ever forgive me?

[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_02]: I told him of course he was already forgiven. He had always been forgiven.

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you think you could ever love me again?

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_02]: I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second.

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_02]: We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend?

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_02]: Crying, I told him that we could love him with 15 boyfriends.

[00:09:43] [SPEAKER_02]: We just wanted him back in our lives.

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_02]: We just wanted to have a relationship with him again and with his boyfriend.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_02]: And a new journey was begun.

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_02]: One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace.

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_02]: Lots of grace.

[00:09:57] [SPEAKER_02]: And God was present every step of the way, leading in guiding us,

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_02]: gently reminding us simply to love our son and leave the rest up to him.

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_02]: Over the next 10 months, we learned to truly love our son.

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_02]: Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes.

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_02]: We learned to love whoever our son loved and it was easy.

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_02]: What I had been so afraid of became a blessing.

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_02]: The journey wasn't without mistakes, but we had grace for each other,

[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_02]: and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_02]: As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him.

[00:10:37] [SPEAKER_02]: God taught us how to love him to rejoice over him,

[00:10:39] [SPEAKER_02]: to be proud of the man he was becoming.

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_02]: We were all healing and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if we could forgive him and love him,

[00:10:48] [SPEAKER_02]: then maybe God could too.

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_02]: And then Ryan made the classic mistake of our recovering addict.

[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_02]: He got back together with his old friends, his using friends.

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_02]: And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies,

[00:11:00] [SPEAKER_02]: turned out to be the first time he had shot up in 10 months.

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_02]: We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle,

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_02]: asking us to come identify our son that he had arrived there in a coma in critical condition.

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_02]: We spent 17 days at Harborview during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan.

[00:11:20] [SPEAKER_02]: We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for.

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_02]: God's presence was tangible in Ryan's room,

[00:11:29] [SPEAKER_02]: but that is a long sacred story that I'll have to tell another time.

[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_02]: Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis,

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_02]: the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us.

[00:11:42] [SPEAKER_02]: But unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16th, 2009.

[00:11:47] [SPEAKER_02]: And we lost the ability to love our gay son because we no longer had a gay son.

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_02]: What we had wished for, prayed for, hoped for, that we would not have a gay son came true.

[00:11:58] [SPEAKER_02]: But not at all in the way we used to envision.

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_02]: Now when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay,

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_02]: I cringe as I realized how foolish I was.

[00:12:14] [SPEAKER_02]: Now whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening,

[00:12:16] [SPEAKER_02]: I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner.

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_02]: But instead, we visit Ryan's gravestone.

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_02]: We celebrate anniversaries, the wood of the birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death.

[00:12:30] [SPEAKER_02]: We wear orange, his color.

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_02]: We hoard memories, pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, list of things he loved,

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_02]: tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented.

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_02]: His curious George and baseball blanky, anything really that reminds us of our beautiful boy.

[00:12:48] [SPEAKER_02]: For that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories.

[00:12:52] [SPEAKER_02]: We rejoice in our adult children, but ache for the one of our gang of four who was missing.

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_02]: We mark life by the days BC before coma and AD after death.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_02]: Because we are different people now, our life was irrevocably changed in a million ways by his death.

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_02]: We treasure friendships with others who get it, because they too have lost a child.

[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_02]: We weep.

[00:13:15] [SPEAKER_02]: We seek heaven for grace and mercy and redemption, as we try not to get better but to be better.

[00:13:21] [SPEAKER_02]: And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children just because they breathe.

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Linda Robertson originally posted this on Facebook in early 2013.

[00:13:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Since then, she has added the following.

[00:13:41] [SPEAKER_02]: If you'd like to listen to a much more extensive version of our story,

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_02]: it was filmed at Town View Baptist Church in Canisaw, Georgia in May 2022.

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I have included links to this and all of the resources that Linda is about to mention.

[00:13:56] [SPEAKER_01]: They are in the podcast notes.

[00:14:00] [SPEAKER_02]: There is also a recording of my presentation from North Point Church in Atlanta from May 2021,

[00:14:05] [SPEAKER_02]: which does not include everything from my more recent presentation,

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_02]: but does include a question and answer time that has been helpful for many parents.

[00:14:13] [SPEAKER_02]: You can also view our story as presented as part of the movie,

[00:14:16] [SPEAKER_02]: for they know not what they do, available on Amazon and iTunes.

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_02]: I am now working full time as a volunteer, working with parents of LGBTQ plus children,

[00:14:26] [SPEAKER_02]: whose children have just come out or who are struggling to reconcile their faith with their love for their child.

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_02]: If you are someone you know has an LGBTQ child and need support,

[00:14:36] [SPEAKER_02]: I lead a weekly parent support group that meets every Wednesday,

[00:14:40] [SPEAKER_02]: and I'm also on the board of Q-Christian Fellowship, where I lead the parent team.

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_02]: We have all kinds of great resources, especially for queer people of faith,

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_02]: other biblical resources can be found at the Reformation Projects website.

[00:14:54] [SPEAKER_02]: Much love to each person who has found their way here, Linda.

[00:15:02] [SPEAKER_01]: If you know someone who might benefit from this podcast, please send it to them.

[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I thanks to Linda for giving me permission to use AI voices to read her account of Ryan's coming out

[00:15:16] [SPEAKER_01]: and the tragic events that followed.

[00:15:19] [SPEAKER_01]: There is so much more that could be said,

[00:15:22] [SPEAKER_01]: but in this episode we will let Linda's words stand on their own.

[00:15:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Stay safe, stay brave, and God bless this is Elton Sure One.